Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
