we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
