just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
