A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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