put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
