Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
