So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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