Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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