Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
