youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize