sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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