ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
