Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
