He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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