if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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