so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
