She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
