She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
