You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
