Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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