I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
