is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
