I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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