I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
