Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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