are you still at the devil's house?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
