come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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