is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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