we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
