the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
