Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
