a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
