Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
