a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
