Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
