You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There r osticjed everywhere
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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