Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize