You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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