Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
