i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
