i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
