So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
