After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize