Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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