are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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