I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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