I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
