8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize