I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
