what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
