I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
