she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
It's Friday. Sex?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
