at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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