My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
