I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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