Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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