Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
